


Duplicity

by MusicalRaven



Series: Transman!Arin [2]
Category: Game Grumps, Real Person Fiction, Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Coming Out, Dissociation, Internalized Transphobia, M/M, Poetry, Pre-Slash, Trans Male Character, Transphobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-26
Updated: 2017-09-26
Packaged: 2019-01-05 15:32:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,385
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12192654
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MusicalRaven/pseuds/MusicalRaven
Summary: Arin really should know by now that Dan isn't like the others.[Can be read as a stand-alone]





	Duplicity

**Author's Note:**

> Guess what? I wrote more Transman!Arin. Get ready for the angst train. Choo Choo, motherfuckers. Thanks to zoozleplug for coming up with the title and listening to me ramble.

Dan never really took notice  
Not like Arin did at least  
He swore he could wear a ball gown  
Without hint of a joke  
Yet Dan would only nod and mention  
The time needed to be written down  
The next episode started.  
Arin should be happy with this  
That he didn’t care  
Like an unspoken agreement between them  
And yet he wondered  
If Dan never commented because he knew  
The scars peaking under his crop top  
The absence in his pants he was painfully aware of.  
How did Dan really see him  
If not the little girl playing dress up  
Deepened voice to hide a feminine edge?

“Dude, you alright?” Dan asked  
Eyebrow raised, fingers tapping  
As Arin blinked back into reality.  
He sat up quickly, slotting the controller between his thumb and forefinger  
A shake of his head, barefoot against the edge of the couch as he held  
To a pattern of denial  
Dan didn’t want to know anyway.

“Yeah, fine. Sorry.” Arin smiled, the lump in his throat ignored  
As he imagined Dan’s silent judging  
His skin crawling as he was exposed  
But Dan only shook his head  
Glossing over the obvious discomfort  
He didn’t seem to register.

“You not sleeping well, again?” Dan asked  
Hand gesturing at the Red bull glued to Arin’s thigh  
And Arin frowned, fingers tugging  
The crop top down over his stomach  
Trying to keep himself from  
The need to hide the can  
As if he could ignore the nightmares  
More than he’d already tried.

“A bit, but I’ll get there.”  
He ignored the compulsion  
To lift the can to his lips  
Pressing continue  
As the peppy music took over his senses  
Dan relaxing back into the couch  
Questions done.  
Arin let out a sigh, eyes focused  
On a little green man  
He’d already forgotten the name of  
Running, jumping, falling  
As Dan giggled and elbowed him  
A smile back on his lips as Arin fought the need to pull away  
As if his hands alone could block out the chills  
From Dan’s probing gaze.

Arin didn’t note the waver in Dan’s voice  
As they pressed onwards  
Jokes flying from lips like a prayer  
Getting through today without the need to scratch off his skin  
Would be a test he would have to endure  
But the worst thing  
Wasn’t the feeling of floating  
As he sat beside his best friend  
Slowly losing his grip on the body  
He knew he had.  
The worst thing was the glances  
The fingers reaching  
As he shied away  
An expectation of ripping claws  
From a place there should be none.

“It’s just so fucking sad!” He cried  
Chuckling like a good performer  
As the green man knelt and wept  
As the flower he’d stepped on  
Seeped green blood.  
He didn’t say the ache in his heart  
Was real  
Tangible  
As the green man’s world darkened.  
He tugged on his shirt again  
Fingers splayed over skin  
He wasn’t sure he still possessed.

“Oh, stop being such a girl, Arin,” Dan said  
His laugh big  
Boisterous  
As if he hadn’t just made  
A block of ice  
Drop onto Arin’s chest  
Crushing  
Bleeding  
Eyes wide to his best friend  
As the claws touched his shoulder.  
He flinched away  
Nails digging into plastic  
Words suddenly absent from his throat.  
“Arin?” Dan asked  
The confusion oh so evident  
As Arin fought the need to tear at his chest  
The need suddenly bubbling up much too fast.

“Next time on Game Grumps,” He mumbled  
Already standing  
Controller on the floor  
Red bull spilling back through the couch cushions  
As he tugged  
Tugged  
Tugged the shirt  
DOWN  
As if it could suddenly not make him feel  
His old chest  
The bones shifting under his skin  
Wrong  
Incorrect  
A puzzle he had yet to finish  
That Dan seemed to be pulling apart  
Taking the pieces at random  
Revealing a scared child  
Wailing at the world that had made him  
This  
Way.

“Arin, what-” Dan started  
Claw extended forward  
And Arin flinched away again  
Already moving towards the door  
As if he could get away  
From the angles of his flesh  
By trying to breathe  
Through the cage of his chest.

He heard him before he saw him  
Fabric rustling as Dan appeared in his way  
Concern evident in his stance  
Arms at his side, palms toward him  
His mouth downturned.  
“Arin, stop. What’s wrong?”  
His words making Arin pause  
Eyes closed  
As his nails dug into his own palms  
Small circular points  
To tell himself he was real  
And he shuddered  
Suddenly the wish not to be  
Stronger than he would like.

“Like you don’t know,” Arin snapped  
Words out before he could stop them  
The confusion stronger in Dan’s face  
And he knew  
Knew that Dan was clueless  
And yet he expected  
The hate to twist behind Dan’s gaze  
The expectation of the girl he was  
To appear before them  
His own nightmares coming to life before his eyes  
Flickering, tearing, groaning  
Already lost in his own fears.

“I really don’t,” Dan said  
The softness in his voice causing him to pause  
Really look  
At the pain in Dan’s eyes  
The fight not to draw nearer  
As Arin could feel his nails dig in harder  
Skin close to breaking.  
He swallowed hard  
Somehow the block in his chest becoming bigger  
As it threatened to tear him in two  
The need to run becoming stronger.  
But he stayed  
Rooting his feet to the floor with a shaky breath  
As he recognized the words that needed to come from his mouth.

“I need to- I need to tell you something,” Arin started  
Skin breaking under his fingertips  
Stretching his hand with a hiss  
Closing his eyes against Dan’s concern  
Hoping he would try to touch him again  
The hurt in Dan’s eyes was hard to ignore.  
The fabric of his shirt twisted in his fingers  
A short breath  
A pause.  
“I’m not a real man. Not what you thought, anyway.”  
The block of ice tears at his lungs  
And he feels the shaking in his hands  
His arms  
The words slicing him further.  
“Not like you’d know. I have all the parts,”  
He laughed  
Bitter taste  
“Well, almost all.”

Arin held the silence for a moment  
Before taking a peak  
At Dan’s motionless form  
Eyes wide, searching his own.  
He opened his mouth  
Closed  
Opened  
Breathed.  
“I don’t…”  
He trailed  
And Arin tugged up  
Fingers tracing over scars as Dan watched  
The bitter taste on his tongue telling him  
He wasn’t worth this  
But persistent  
He explained.

“I got on hormones too late.”  
He felt the ridges and bumps  
Scars pulling at the skin  
Dan’s body finally moving  
Clenching and unclenching fists  
As the light started to turn on.  
“Had to get surgery eventually.  
Although much later than I would have liked.  
After all,  
There is a reason why I can wear this now.”  
He shrugged  
Hand dropping, palms upturned.  
“I’m surprised you never noticed.”

“That’s not exactly something you notice,”  
Dan replied  
Low and quiet  
As if this was a secret  
As if he had ever tried to hide this part of himself  
Camouflage flaunted in daylight  
Not buried and forgotten.  
Arin scoffed  
Hardened edges too torn to stay  
He leaned further  
Legs buckling  
He forced himself to keep upright  
Head shaking.

“So, you want to leave, right?”  
Claws raking at his skin  
A gaze on his own ragged fingernails  
Footsteps echoing in his head  
A chorus of disgust ringing out  
Trailing behind the ‘broken girl.’

“What- Of course not.”  
The words were final  
Steel  
And Arin closed his eyes  
Holding his breath  
Waiting  
But the footsteps drew closer  
Stopped  
Quiet  
“Arin, you’ve always been a real man in my eyes.”  
Pause, breathe, lower  
“Nothing can change that  
I promise.”

Everything was silent save for breathing  
Tapping  
Rustling  
Arin finally opened his eyes  
A compassion flooding his senses  
With Dan’s patient smile  
Open eyes  
A decent distance but still close by  
Waiting for him  
To make the first move.  
He didn’t expect the rush of need that bubbled up  
As he surged forward  
Fingers gripping tight at Dan’s jacket  
Pulling him into a bone crushing hug  
Face burying in his neck  
And breathing in  
Safety and acceptance.  
Arm tightened around him  
A slow relief  
Settling over the both of them.


End file.
